Jun 022010
 

Okay, so the place I rode looked nothing like this, but how bad ass would I be if it DID!

I was sick as shit last week and missed BOTH practices—suck!  Then I got to hear all about how aweeeesome practice was on Thursday.  And how my teammate got to do all these super fantastic endurance drills without me—double suck, I looooove endurance training as much as TrAC/DC loves push-ups!  After an entire week of inactivity, I feel like a slug.  So, I decided to be extra ambitious this weekend, get all of my make-ups done, AND do lots of cross training.  The weekend went something like this:  fun skate Friday, dryland Sunday morning, and trail riding Sunday afternoon.  Good times, right?

Since I am a derby girl, everyone in my sphere of influence seems to think I’m totally hardcore.  So they think nothing of asking me to do shit that I find kind of nuts.  Like TRAIL RIDING on a MOUNTAIN BIKE, when I have only been on a bicycle precisely three times (and that includes said trail ride) in the past 20 years!  Now, don’t tell anyone, but I am, in fact, NOT hardcore.  And I’m sure that most of you TRUE hardcore derby girls, thrill seekers, and risk takers, would think that what I did Sunday was merely child’s play.  But it’s my story, so, it was totally hardcore!

I don’t really know exactly what I was expecting this trail riding experience to be like.  I know that my best friend is positively terror stricken every time her husband suggests that he might want to take a ride out to the Hooper Road Bike Trail, so, that should have been something of an indicator.  But, I hear “trail riding” and I think RIDE on a TRAIL.  Not, ride over fallen trees, through ditches, precariously close to a small ravine (okay, fine, it was a ditch) and so on and so forth.  But I was not to be deterred!

Moments into our ride, I began to think that maybe I’d made a mistake.  This thought occurred to me as my life flashed before my eyes when I ran into a tree at the first fork in the road.  I spent the next few minutes kicking the shit out of the back rim of my borrowed bicycle, the rim that I bent running into the tree.  I really just wanted to pack it up an call it a day at that point.  Buuuut, the thought of anyone calling me the P-Word was just too much for me to handle.  So, I huffed and puffed up and down, up and down, up and down the hills—most of the time pushing or dragging my bike rather than riding it.  Once, I fell into a bush, then slid backwards down the hill, dragging the bike down on top of me.  But finally, by the end of this harrowing adventure, I had mustered up enough courage to just say eff it, and I charged ahead, peddling as fast as my legs would allow—over roots, and tree branches, through valleys and ditches.  About an hour
later, I made it out alive, drenched in sweat, covered in bruises and scratches, mud and bicycle grease, but reasonably proud of myself.

Today, I cannot walk.  Not with a normal gait anyway.  My quads hurt SO bad, I can hardly raise my own ass up off of the couch, not to mention the fact that the bicycle seat did a serious number on my bum.  I counted 11 bruises and there’s a small collection of scratches on my right forearm.  I have no fewer than two dozen swarming insect bites and a small patch of black grease on the back of my leg that two showers later I still can’t scrub off entirely.  Good times, right? Common sense suggests that I may want to stick to 8 wheels, but against my better judgement,  we’re riding again next Sunday, if anybody wants in!  Pad your asses ladies, it’s a bumpy ride!

Photo Credits:  www.deater.net

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Apr 092010
 

Well, well, well. Aren’t you lucky? You are about to embark on a derby journey of epic proportions with the livest bitches in the land. I am proud to present the groundfloor girls of LDG and they are going to rock your world right down to your custom R3s.

trAC/DC

trAC/DC runs shit. She is a writer and the creator and co-editor of Live Derby Girls. She took up the skates in October, fell in love, and kissed the rest of her life goodbye. She bouts with the Red Stick Roller Derby in Baton Rouge, LA, and while no one knows yet whether she’s really a blocker or a jammer, once she figures it out you best get out her way. trAC/DC loves metal, crop tops, bourbon, feather roach clip earrings, and other pimp shit. If you want to buy her presents and stuff, she will gladly send you her mailing address, but otherwise you’re gonna need to take a step back. Now.

trAC/DC

Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom is the co-editor of Live Derby Girls and the happiest ho in this universe. Her ass is hard, but her heart is not. A lover of gas station-purchased hats, bad rap, and spandex, she is happiest on skates or in the arms of her best friend, Sassy Samatha of the South, her beloved Labrador Retriever. Labels that apply to her: conservative catholic, former sorostitute, retired basketballer, aspiring rap star, and resentful student. But don’t be fooled. Rock knows a good time. In fact, she’s known for her impromptu rap concerts, cutthroat dance-offs, and fabulously heavy drinking. She’ll probably like you, as long as you like fuzzy animals, poetry, going commando, or smoking your neighbor’s stale cigarette butts. If you’d like her to crowd surf at an afterparty near you, contact her at rockbottom@livederbygirls.com.

Rock Bottom

Krissy Krash

This 6’1 Amazon will knock you flat on your ass, steal your woman and your car. Krissy was genetically engineered for the sport of Roller Derby. Combining her mother’s take no shit attitude and her Dad’s pro-linebacker DNA resulted in a roller girl of epic proportions . Spending the majority of her life diving for soccer balls as a goal keeper has given her the timing needed to crush any skater that dares cross her path. This heavy hitting goddess has been known to run a half marathon in the AM and head right to the track to lay the smack down against the best of the best that very night. How does she do it? Krissy is the Jane of all trades when it comes to derby training and nutrition. You want to know how to hit harder, skate faster, or look hotter in your hotpants? This is your go-to gal.

**The views and values on this site are those of the author and are in no way affiliated with the views and values of any league**

Krissy Krash

Julie Kablooie
Julie bought her first pair of big girl skates in January 2009 so she could stay in shape by doing something fun. She joined Red Stick Roller Derby in April 2009. On the track, Julie is a blocker and off the track she maintains the league newsletter. When she’s not blocking on the track or being chased by the intergalactic police, Julie Kablooie enjoys a not-so-quiet life managing a local game shop with her husband. She puts her dual degrees in Mathematics and Chemistry to good use, discovering the exact relationship between number of gamers in the store and personal volatility. Between keeping her beloved nerds stocked up with games and goodies and occasionally brokering an international dragon sale, Julie stays pretty busy. She enjoys knitting (but never sewing), singing at the top of her lungs while driving, British science fiction, and Belgian beer. She can often be found leaving the afterparty early in order to get home in time to feed her three cats and three rats. Although, if you buy her another beer, she’s pretty confident that the problem will work itself out.

Julie Kablooie

Heidi Volatile
Heidi Volatile is the blammer with the glamour! Whether jamming or blocking, she makes her explosive presence known–and you’ll still feel it days later. The only thing louder than her mouth is the red lipstick that she constantly applies to it (she finds it coordinates nicely with her eyes and your bruises). You’ll hear her coming, but it really won’t do you any good. Ms. Volatile occasionally pauses in her quest for worldwide domination to blog at LiveDerbyGirls.com, where she shares wit, wisdom, and musings about how to Better Knock Down Bitches (BKDB). She also loves long walks on the beach, drinking the tears of her enemies, and receiving email at blammeration@gmail.com.

Heidi Volatile

The Swede
Swede Hurt was born in the distant Northern Europe. Being the offspring of an Amazon and a Viking it seemed to be in her blood to spend most of her life traveling and seeking adventure. Swede formerly pursued a career in snowboarding, but the snow grew too cold and her knees to oweak. So she decided on an exercise of the brain, went to University in Seattle where she was introduced to ROLLER DERBY and unicorns. Jet City Rollergirls was the first league to take her in, and in a very short time she became one of their star jammers. After a season, Swede felt ready to venture to Rat City Rollergirls to claim a spot on their 2009 All Star team. A year went by and Swede felt that even though she loved Seattle, it was time to leave and headed for NYC where she was welcomed by Manhattan Mayhem of Gotham Girls. Swede can also be spotted in purple on the banked track under the Legit name Berglöf or in grey representing Team Vagine. There can never be too much derby in Swede’s life, and her mission is to spread roller derby worldwide, inch by inch, country by country. She jams and blocks and sometimes she even talks shit, but most of the time she’s just the Swedish Viking Amazon you wanna be friends with. Oh, and don’t be surprised if you see Swede on a unicorn, it’s here favorite means of transportation, next to roller skates!

The Swede

Madie Sans Merci
Madie is a New Orleans, Louisiana native but after moving to Baton Rouge for college she was assimilated by the ladies of Red Stick Roller Derby. Derby brought out her streak of vengeful violence. After adopting her name from John Keats’ famous “La Belle Dame Sans Merci” she proved to be truly merciless on the track. She has the deameanour of a sweet girl, but that sly smile is just an indication that she’s planning something devious for you. She thrives on a diet of cyanide, bullets, and Jager. What doesn’t kill her makes her stronger, and that’s a lose-lose situation for the ladies she encounters on the track.

Madie Sans Merci

Raven Von Kaos
Raven Von Kaos has been booty deep in derby since 2007. She hails from the beautiful and scenic Santa Cruz, California where she skates for the Santa Cruz Derby Girls. When Raven is not on the track she can be found reading, writing and living the derby life. Raven has been an active blogger since 2008 and started the Derby Hurts site / brand in late 2009 after undergoing surgery for an ACL injury caused on the track. With all that is going on in the derby world, Raven tries to keep her finger on the throbbing pulse that is America’s favorite underground sensation.  This girl never leaves her skates or her wit at home. On the track Raven is known for her signature booty block and delivering hard hits, but the self-declared after-party champion loves to bust a move and enjoy a tasty beverage with her competitors after every game. Be sure and stay tuned for Raven’s reviews, write-ups and reports on everything that is derby-fabulous.

Raven Von Kaos

Ms. Kittie Fantastik

Wife and mother first, roller bitch next, Ms. Kittie Fantastik’s priorities are straight. Kittie is a transplant from the cornfields of the north and is happy to school you on either your housekeeping or hip checks. She showed up to practice in October of 2009 and we haven’t been able to get her our of her fishnets since, much to the gratification of her husband. By day, she works 9 to 5, dreaming of skate glory. By night, she pours her heart out on the track in the form of tomahawks, full body checks, and “packin’ it up” until she goes home to tuck in her daughter, make lunches for the next day and kiss her husband good night.

Ms. Kittie Fantastik

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