Jul 152010
 

Reed Richards is a smug, stretchy bastard

Alright, true confessions time. I had initially planned for this week’s Project (Derby) Mayhem assignment to be a real balls-(or, um, your equivalent)-to-the-wall physical challenge. It’s been awhile since we’ve even HAD a P(D)M assignment, and I wanted us to hit the ground running. Er, rolling. Whatever. So I there I was, trying to brainstorm some new torture that would kick our butts (but not be so terribly hardcore that no one else would do it with me). And as I was warming up (prior to coming up with a workout that would make you hate me, at least for a little bit) I noticed that I was kind of cutting corners on the stretching. And that I’ve BEEN cutting corners on the stretching.

I REALLY hate to stretch. This, however, is a pretty stupid reason not to be doing it.

Now, I don’t need the flexibility of a Cirque du Soleil performer or anything. But as a derby girl, I need to be significantly more flexible than, say Betty White. Or, for that matter, Bea Arthur (may she rest in peace). Getting low is not so comfy when the hamstrings are all foreshortened and hating on you. And let’s face it, a nice baseline level of flexibility is going to do a lot towards keeping a girl from getting injured out on the track.

Is it just me, or does ol' Stretch here look a little too happy?

So I’m biting the bullet, and making myself be a better, bendier kind of roller girl. And I’m taking y’all with me, as per usual.

Assignment 4: Make Like Your Mom and Bend Over Stretching More than the Truth

We’re going to be taking a minimum of 20 minutes per day for the next week and stretching. Pretty simple, right? Use your Google Fu and hunt down some good stretching routines online. Pop in a yoga or pilates DVD. Actually go to a real live yoga or pilates class (Baton Rouge girls, you might want to take a class with the ever rocktatious Trac/DC, who promised me she was going to post her schedule in the comment section). I’m going to be pretty flexible (see what I did there?) with what you can do for this assignment. One caveat, though. You have to actually do the stretches that you hate. No hanging out in Child’s Pose while you watch So You Think You Can Dance Dance Revolution, or whatever your summer trash programming of choice is. Find the spots that are extra tight, and start working on them. See if you can stretch farther and deeper by the end of the week. Discuss your progress (or how much you hate trying to do the splits) in the comment section.

If Kermit can find the time to stretch, so can we. Man, I hope he's stretching. I'm going to be really depressed if this turns out to be a picture of him having a stroke...

Already super flexible? Go ahead and repeat a previous assignment of awesomeness.
Heidi Volatile does not want to turn into a creaky old biddy, even one as awesome as Betty White (or Zombie Bea Arthur). She can be reached at blammeration@gmail.com or in the comment section.

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