Aug 172011

Together again!

I’ve been off the radar for a while now (working in the great north, moving), and I’ve been off skates even longer. But I’m back now and the dust is finally starting to settle! Literally!

Alaska was cold and miserable. Maybe that’s how you envision AK anyway, but the summer is usually pretty sweet. Not this year. I couldn’t do any of the feeble off skates exercises I planned on to keep me at least a little in shape while living on-board, because I was too busy holding on. To anything. You could say it was a rock and roll summer, but really it was just big waves, shitty weather and not enough fish to make it cool. The sun exposed itself literally 2 times. In the land of the midnight sun! What a drag!

I spent most of RollerCon with my former Cog Blockers, co-cappy Mae Q. Sweat and new cappy Fraid Knot. Champs.

From AK I was magically whisked off to Las Vegas for RollerCon via four flight legs and 30 hours of travel. Wooo! The drastic change in temperature really threw me for a loop but I did not get sick! After spending close to 5 weeks on a rippin’ and rollin’ sea, I found myself not only lacking land legs but skate legs (duh – I totally expected this). Several things triggered boat like sensations that made me want to grab something and hang on. Like the elevator at the Riviera (no, I’m not the one who puked in it). Also, skating. I figured Atomatrix’s no contact speed and stride class would be a great way for me to break my feet back in, but getting low in the corners and crossing over made me feel all weird. So I stuck to volunteering for most of the time and took all of Mercy’s super awesome off-skates classes.
Last year Mr. Fever accompanied me to RollerCon (because it was our honeymoon) but this year he felt he should stick with the husbandly duty of driving around the bay area looking for a new place to live while sleeping in our van. Isn’t he the best? Meanwhile I was trying to hunt down and make friends with some B.A.D. girls (my new league) without acting like a chump. Honestly, I’m pretty sure it was an epic fail. I didn’t get much skating in, I didn’t make any new friends and I’m such a half assed volunteer that I’m pretty sure I won’t do it again.

So here I am, in my new little nest in Crockett (don’t know where that is? No one does). The piles of boxes getting smaller and smaller everyday, the aquarium was successfully moved with zero fatalities (!!!), houseplants healthy and situated, and me on the couch with the second worst shin splints I have ever had in my life from going back to skating on a slick floor with 95a wheels.

Monday night I went to my first B.A.D.  all-league practice. It was truly nerve racking. I realize it’s the off-season, and that they just hosted a major event, but in the wake of it all getting new skater information has been like pulling teeth. Fortunately I had the intersection for the practice space, but not an address. So I parked on the street and waited in my car until I saw skater looking girls go into a building. Then I followed them like a creep. I didn’t want to start by making excuses, so I suppressed my urge to let the coach know I had been off skates for two months and would probably suck. I just went ahead and sucked, slipping all over the damn place in my Lowboys. People sometimes tell me that I am outgoing, or cool. I don’t know what the hell they are talking about. I hate new-ness, and I am perpetually uncool (ironically, I also hate same-ness and nothing sends me fleeing to a non-English speaking country faster than a “comfort zone”). I talked to a few ladies, I demanded a coaches phone number, and then I went home listening to Wolf Parade and singing “nobody loves you and nobody gives a damn anyway”. But I got it over with. My first day.

So the next day I went direcetly to Cruz, my new local skate shop, for some grippier wheels. The idea of putting 88′s on felt scary. I mean isn’t that so sticky? So I got to rent a pair to test out. Rent wheels! Fucking brilliant. Later that night I went to practice #2. This time the coach actually asked me a little about myself, which was nice because I just do not know how to act around new people. I am super awkward, I always have been and I always will be. Practice was great (exhausting). My grippier wheels helped a lot with the turns but my shins were still damaged from Monday. So I still suck. Actually I expect to suck for a few weeks.

All I know about roller derby I learned from the Bellingham Roller Betties. The good, the bad and the bullshit. I find myself longing for those days of comforting bullshit.  Knowing which girls were giving it to me straight and which ones only answered my questions so I’d go away. B.A.D. is more than twice the size of Bellingham (in terms of their skater base). With the Betties I got to play on the travel team, captain my home team and be a primary jammer. This is a much bigger pond and I have reverted to pond scum. The upside is that I will have to push myself a lot harder. And once those shin splints subside, I am totally ready for that. I may be an achy-footed-pond-scum-introvert, but one day I will fly like a peacock.

So far I haven’t accomplished anything other than getting started. But isn’t that all I need to do anyway? Begin?






Jul 072011

I am burnt-out, tired, emotional, over worked, under paid and ready for my effing vacation from the world. Get me to RollerCon 2012!

Something about this time of the season gets my booty shorts in a wad up my big beautiful behind . . . I’m pretty sure it is mid / end of the season burn out, but man I tell you it’s hitting me particularly hard this year. My team the Santa Cruz Boardwalk Bombshells have had a long (and amazing) season already and we’ve got more games to come. My real world job is without a doubt kicking my ass . . . I love it and I’m good at it, but dude it is frying my brain.

I am ready for Vegas baby! I freaking love RollerCon and this year is promising to be the best yet. Everything is happening in one place, making it even more convenient (not to mention easier to track down your pals). I am actually leading a seminar on Friday at RC about injury stuff and am looking forward to many, many challenge bouts.

I am so excited about RollerCon I have vowed to loose 10 lbs, bought a new swimsuit (my first in five years) and have even been tanning. I got a killer rate on airfare – thank you Southwest – and  can’t stop thinking about my escape from the world.

If you have never been to RollerCon just expect to have fun. Don’t expect to get into classes (although I have heard it is better this year), drop in on challenges or overly network – go with the mission to enjoy yourself. Girls will be walking around pretty much naked by Saturday, the social events will be fun, but try and get out on the Strip and enjoy Vegas – VEGAS BABY!

RC rules to abide by:

*Don’t forget sunscreen! Not just a cheesy song from the late 90s – nothing sucks more on vacation then being a lobster.

*Hydrate! Drink water, Gatorade, coconut water or whatever your preference is. Drink more then you think you need to and be extra sure to hydrate when you are drinking.

*Be nice! Douchebaggery does not happen often at RC, but it happens. Be nice, say hi to people, don’t complain – We have all invested our hard earned money on this little trip and everyone is there to have fun.

*Pack extra shorts and socks – for some reason I never feel like I have enough.

*Take care of your body – don’t over do it, over drink and remember to stretch and all that good stuff.

*Take time to relax – remember the pool? Oh yea . . . be sure and designate a little R & R time.

*VERY IMPORTANT: Don’t tag me in any incriminating photos on Facebook ;)

The days literally can not pass soon enough . . . is it time yet?


Swede is back

 Posted by at 8:00 am  No Responses »
Sep 222010

So I have had a looong break from writing here.

It wasn’t really planned, but sometimes life comes in between.

I ended up traveling, meeting a girl in Denmark, coaching Copenhagen, Stockholm and Malmö. It is so inspiring to see all those brand new girls working so hard to become better, and they do get better. First time I went they could barley do a pace line, and now they can do partner pace lines. I am proud of my fellow Scandinavians playing derby and developing.  I went back to Denmark to skate in their pride parade, and it was fun and we skated in a nice little rainbow formation.

I played my first Gotham Allstar games against Boston and Windy City at ECE. It was amazing and I am truly honored to be a part of a team that is so synced and willing to work together, a team that trust each other and have fun when playing.

I went to RollerCon with my girlfriend, met some old friends and made some new, skated some challenge bouts and even got some time to lounge next to the pool. It was good times and it was fun.  I was happy to be able to go to Vegas with my lady and I was happy to see so many women from all over the world seeking to learn how to play derby.

And then again I took off to Portland to play The Hometown Throwdown against Rat City, Rose City and Bay Area. It was really odd and weird to skate against my old team (that would be Rat, for those who don’t know) but at the same time it was really fun. I realized that I really, really miss the West Coast.  But at the same time I love NYC. Too bad you cannot be at two places at the same time…

I have taken a decision to write once or twice every week… because I love derby, and therefor derby is really fun to write about.

Aug 172010

Vote by leaving a comment, but only vote for one in each category please.

For example: Best: #whatever Worst: #whatever… Then you can write any fool thing you like but you gotta make it easy for us to count this shit.

The winner and SUPER loser will each receive a personalized LDG tshirt with their name and the enviable title Black & Blue Ball: Best/Worst Dressed 2010!

Best Dressed


Who are they? Why don’t they require oxygen like the rest of us? And who manufactures these suits? Aren’t they afraid of a “Your Suit Suffocated Me” lawsuit?

So many questions.

Keep in mind here that they are in the desert, and that they are attending a pool party. Imagine feeling sweat in all your nooks and crannies while your buddies are stripped down into their breezy swim suits, splashing away happily in the pool like drunken monkeys. These friends don’t even feel bad for you, though, because they don’t even know you’re you. So you “smile” for the camera with your equally daring coconspirator and hope the irreparable damage to your body will win you a free t-shirt.


This woman’s outfit looks seriously uncomfortable, which, apparently, takes you far in the Best Dressed category. No but really, y’all, she’s wearing a petticoat, a corset, and feathers in her hair. In like 104 degree weather. See how the makeup is starting to run a little? Well, it can run all it likes, cuz this bitch ain’t no wilting flower and that smile is staying on her face come hell or hot water. Because she’s rad. And because it took her and a friend like a month to make that dress. And damnit, she looks good.


I kind of want to just hand this girl best dressed because she has such a pretty smile and such fresh, clean good looks. She looks high on life, and that’s not the kind of high you usually see in Vegas. Plus that bustle. I don’t know what it is about bustles. It’s like you put an ass-shaped article of clothing on top of your ass and BAM! magic. Plus it’s all silky. And the stockings. She looks totally Moulin Rouge, which is a little cliche, but she’s so damn hot that I’ll take it, anyways.

Worst Dressed


I can’t pretend like I understand this catchphrase. I find its lack of sensible innuendo delightful. I get it in the derby sense, of course. Yes, Powerful Ref, you point at the box and I skate over to it and pout. You win. But the innuendo part? He could have stepped it up a bit with “While we’re wearing knee pads…” or “Two girls. One box” or “I like my whistle blown.” But had he devised a more clever assphrase, his spot on the Worst Dressed list might be compromised. We skaters don’t want our refs to be cleverer or faster or more smarter than we are. We like a lot of rough on our little ref diamonds. So, sir, thanks for sort of putting us in our place.

We salute your audASSity.


It takes balls to show off your balls, whether they’re actually your balls or really your roommate’s socks. Nevertheless, this beautiful man’s fearlessness proves that going wrong can be oh so right. It’s his authenticity that impresses me most. Sure, his crotch might be stuffed like a child’s Christmas stocking, but look at all that hair. It dances up his thighs, trails happily up his belly, and sprouts gleefully outside the bounds of that sequined halter V. It thrives beneath his nose, stretching east and west like it’s 9:15. You can’t see it on your screen, but up close and in person you would see these well waxed tips have also been glittered. And then, his hair. Head hair. Perfectly teased. Perfectly round.

Thank you, sir, for squeezing so much spandex and sparkle into so little clothing.


Whoa. What a cool dude. Not only is his outfit fabulous but so, too, is this picture. This dude is chilled out. He’s in Vegas.

Look closely at those legs. There’s a reason the garter is on his right thigh, for, ladies and gentlemen, his left thigh is taken… BY A HERD OF ZEBRA. I can count three. Maybe there are more. Maybe there are three zebra  having a threesome. I don’t know; but I like to think that he got dressed and, on his way to The Ball, thought, “This outfit is missing something. I’m not committed enough to the zebra stripe. I know what I’m missing: The Perfect Zebra Tattoo.” So he stopped by his hotel lobby’s brightest tattoo shop to seal the deal. I’m sold.

Once again:

Vote for your pick by posting a comment below. Do it like this:

Best: #whatever
Worst: #whatever

Photos courtesy Sarah Ruiz. Thanks for shooting, Sarah!

Jul 292010

I’m at RollerCon, y’all! And I have the chance to win some serious money, and some hard-earned glory. Over the past three months, I’ve been participating in the Derbalife Hotter in Your Hotpants 90 day body challenge. The fabulous Krissy Krash, LA Derby Dolls skater and fellow LDG writer, is the head Derbalife guru, and trAC/DC was my personal, local coach. With trAC’s encouragement (just her presence at dinner reminded me I didn’t need cheese fries) I lost five pounds and got a lot stronger and more cut. See for yourself! And if you’re at RollerCon, come to the LDG/Derbalife table and check out all the awesome Before and Afters. But help a girl out and vote for me!