Mar 212011

"Before". Get ready for extreme lift. You'll know me at Rollercon, I'll be the skater with her ass on her shoulders.

In the last few weeks I have changed many aspects of my life for certain fitness goals. My diet, alcohol consumption, nap schedule and workout regiment have all been re-tooled. My goals are vague and generic, I’d like to lose weight, be a better skater, make lots of money and get a kitten. Some things have nothing to do with my fitness. But this isn’t about me or my goals, this is about the bum bum (pronounced boom-boom, you must say to yourself boom boom).

To kick off my promise to spend an additional 30 minutes each day doing something derby productive, I went over to a team mates house for a “Bum Bum” workout. I had no idea what to expect, only that the workout was part of some Brazilian Butt Lift package we had all been harassing her about. What I got was a hilarious tutorial from Leandro Carvalho,  personal trainer to some of the highest paid super models in the industry. I’m an athlete not a model and this isn’t a derby specific workout, but isn’t derby all about the booty? Does our power not come from those glorious muscles stashed between our back and our legs? Do we not covet and praise all the heinys around us? Big, round, beautiful, powerful, brutal and shapely all celebrated in their tiny shorts? Derby girls know a powerful backside when they see one. Apparently so does two time governor of California, Arnold Schwrazenegger.  Anyway, I enjoyed this workout DVD so much that I bought it. And now I am going to tell you how awesome it is.

This is what I have been guaranteed

This is the mastermind behind the Bum Bum

This DVD is heavy on cheese, and I love it. With catch phrases like “Do not settle for less!” (must say with flamboyant Portuguese accent) and “It’s all about the angles!” it’s as quotable as it is worth your while. After my first workout my bum bum was sore for 3 days. I’m getting used to it, Leandro’s right it is all about the angles! You should know that I’ve never been into step classes or anything like that. My gym memberships are used for free weights and sauna time, my cardio comes from riding my bike and skating. When I do go to cardio classes at the gym I get self conscience about all the retired gray hairs who totally kick my ass at the steps. Even when I do the Brazilian Butt Lift cardio work outs, I look more like I’m auditioning for a spot in the “Thriller” video than doing some sexy samba dance. Except now I’m only embarrassing myself in my living room, which I can handle. I’ve always been bad about motivating myself to workout on my own time, but not with Brazilian Butt Lift. It’s fun! I really break a sweat! I can really see results! “I’ve got to do my bum bum” is a legitimate excuse not to fold laundry or do my taxes!

The Brazilian Butt Lift workout package comes with three DVD’s. My favorite workout is titled “High and Tight” which utilizes resistance bands and ankle weights. The positions seem awkward at first and the  ”Suspended Clam” channels some provocative leprechaun maneuvers. While I’m gritting my teeth thinking about how stupid I look there is Leandro shouting at me “Do not settle for less, DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS!!” with campy porn-ish latin music in the background. Leandro promises me “You’re body is gonna change, I guarantee you!” which makes me want to yell at him “I’m fine the way I am!” but he doesn’t know that. He can’t see me. He does offer me lot’s of encouragement. It’s like we’re buddies now.

This may not be for you, but it is totally for me. I’m into cheesiness and fitness. If you like your fitness straight up with no fun, this is not for you.  If you don’t like fitness but still want the cheesiness, I’m sure an episode of Baywatch would suffice.  In fact, as a reward for completing my first 30 days of bum bum, I think I’ll have a Baywatch marathon.