Cat Scrap Fever

Pick me up?

 Posted by at 5:56 pm  No Responses »
Oct 262011

I am now officially BAD. My “probationary” period is over and I am eligible to be picked up by any team who wants to give me a home – or just use me on their roster for away games. Recently at about the same time I finished up my probation, I turned 30. I fantasized about being invited to join a team all weekend long! Birthday festivities came and went, and Sunday night while the Mr. and I sat on the couch and decompressed I told him “It’s not too late, there’s still time”. But the weekend officially ended. I received no emails or phone calls, I was not “kidnapped” in a van full of beer drinking lady-hooligans. There are some logistical problems with me being picked up right now – because the freshie draft is one month away and coaching has not yet decided what is to be done with me. But I’m super antsy about it and I even have a bottle of (cheap) champagne on standby. Seriously.

So when I received an invitation to fill in on the unraveling roster of the San Francisco ShEvil dead I was stoked. A thousand times yes! It would be in Sacramento vs. Sacred City B team. Immediately I began to imagine how they were going to have me bout with them, and then when it was over say “Hey – just kidding! This is permanent!” and it would be glorious. Yes, I always get that far ahead of myself.

I really expected to have a minor flip out before the game (I have not bouted since June) but it never happened. And actually, I jammed quite a bit and didn’t cry or anything. I feel like I did okay. I make a lot of mistakes as a blocker and it really pisses me off, but everyone else told me I did well.

photo by D.E.Sign


No. I was not invited to join the team after the game. This whole “Will she or won’t she go into the draft pool” is delaying business. How am I supposed to plan my life without team colors? “What color socks do you want for Christmas?”  I don’t know!!!

There is something to be said for being team-less. I know this from a variety of different experiences. Most recently being homeless. When you have nothing the possibilities are endless. When you have nothing you could have anything. A few months ago Mr. Fever and I were sleeping on a mattress in the back of our van looking for a place to call home. So long as we were still van-folk, the possibility that we would find the most amazing apartment with all the yard/kitchen/garage space for a bargain was great motivation. Once you move in though, it becomes your reality and either is or is not as enchanting as you envisioned. “Sure there is lots of space, but the outlets are in such inconvenient locations…” You realize that dozens of freight trains will go by everyday. You begin to nitpick.

I guess what I’m saying is, I can’t wait to experience the elation of a new team, so that we can become comfortable enough with each other to get real. The sooner the better – my bags are packed and I’m ready to move in.


Sep 192011

There are some pretty harsh words flying around about the Dutchland Derby Rollers right now. If you didn’t hear, after their win Friday afternoon over Maine Roller Derby (the first bout of the Eastern Regional Playoffs) Dutchland advanced in their bracket to bout against Gotham Girls Roller Derby for a shot at the championships. They made the decision (a WFTDA first) to forfeit that game. You can read their official statement here.

Dutchland entered this tournament as #8. Gotham (we all know…) is #1. If you have read anything about this decision you have probably seen these words: “disgraceful”, “pathetic”, “embarrassing” or that “they threw away a shot at the championships”, “they don’t want to win”. As fun as it is to think a lower ranking team could come in and upset number one, let’s be serious about this. Gotham is so far out of every one else’s league, it was embarrassing to watch them play anyone in this tournament. Dutchland bench coach Merv the Perv explained that he wanted to reduce the risk of injuries to skaters and start the next day in the consolation bracket with a “fresh” team (he also wanted all bad mouthing to be deferred to him, not the skaters). Why not? Sure there are things to be learned by skating against a higher ranking team, even if you have no chance of winning, but why risk injury and fatigue (not to mention a total f*ing beat down) when you have a chance to actually progress on a more level playing field (which sadly they did not- they left the tournament remaining #8)? And if forfeiting a game were so demoralizing to the WFTDA, then why would they even allow it?

Let’s face it, Gotham and Dutchland don’t even belong in the same bracket. This may be a call for the WFTDA to look at how tournaments and brackets are organized. Could uneven match ups be prevented by switching to a system of divisions, where teams move up or down accordingly with other teams of the (relatively) same skill level? With a lopsided talent pool, there must be a better way (for fans and skaters) to dictate competition besides just a zip code.

"C'mon Dutchland... don't be 'unsportswomanly'..."

Fans… won’t someone think of the fans!?!? The fans did not get what they expected (as one blogger put it, they  were “given the middle finger” instead). At 4pm on Friday instead of a sanctioned bout, they watched Gotham scrimmage Maine and Carolina for 30 minutes each. I would actually consider this a bonus. They also got some WFTDA history. They also were saved the boredom of watching Gotham win yet another bout by a grotesque amount of points. The Seattle Roller Derby Examiner claims that of the teams who didn’t make it into the top 10 “… all 17 of those teams would have happily stepped up and taken a crack at winning this tournament” then went on to call Dutchland’s presence in the tournament a “total fraud”. Come on! No one had a chance of winning this tournament! It’s Gotham’s!
The DNN comment board even has some calling out for a boycott of Dutchland for the following season, or to ban them from future tournaments and even the WFTDA. Forfeiting is not a crime against humanity. Actually, it’s a procedure that even exists in the rules (article under several different parameters.  Merv the Perv commented in response to the mega-hate happening on DNN “Sports teams often pull starters from a game that has no meaning to them… they do it to protect the players… For people to comment that they would not vote us in the top 10, regardless of our merit, is even more disrespectful to WFTDA, and the way it is set up.”
There were cries to let Maine have their seat and move on to play Gotham, which commenters speculate Maine would “love to” have the chance to do. Well, guess what? Maine lost. The Cincinnati Roller Derby Examiner calls this a set back in women’s roller derby’s progress to be “taken seriously”. He writes that, “… this is a nick in that hull. This decision is not only embarrassing for Dutchland, but it slaps the face of every woman who laces up a pair of skates with the dream of making regionals.”.  Well, I do dream of competing in regionals, and the only slap I’m feeling from this “event” is the ill-will and lack of compassion I’m reading on the subject. Why are spectators taking this so personally? Is everyone drunk? What gives people the entitlement to say all these nasty things? It makes me sick. Windy Man (please read Windy Man’s Roller Derby Notes) writes, “Modern roller derby is still a young sport, but with youth comes immaturity…and I think the reaction to Dutchland’s decision was far more immature than the decision itself”. Amen.

The Dutchland Derby Rollers are being called “unsportswomanly” from far and wide (I hate to do this, but I really have to: “unsportswomanly” is not a word. Sure, I get what they’re trying to do with it – we can’t be unsportsmanlike, because we are women! But it’s patronizing – I digress). Why don’t we call Gotham “unsportswomanly” for relentlessly demoralizing every team they play? I don’t want to say they are poor sports, because they are phenomenal athletes with proven abilities. So I am going to assert that if there is a poor sport in this equation, it’s the people boo-ing what isn’t really that big of a deal.
Perhaps I’m just as “pathetic” for not being outraged at the fact a team would forfeit during a tournament and I suppose I can brace myself now for untoward comments. Does this mean that I am not a true fan or that I don’t really love derby? No. Does it mean that I am an uncommitted quitter? No.

I’m sorry that fans throughout the world of women’s roller derby have been so rattled by this event. I’m sorry for the Dutchland girls that they have been attacked so viciously (and will probably never be able to recover from this bad-press-nightmare on 95). Perhaps we should all take a step back and look at how we watch and judge other people and their actions. To me, roller derby is not “everything at any cost”, it is a give and take relationship (that mostly takes, am I wrong?) that many people will never understand. But I do not require their understanding. And I will give everything I can, until I can’t give anymore – and when that happens, it is for me to decide, not fans/bloggers/skaters/announcers/coaches – me.


Have a nice day



By the way, did anyone enter the Big 5 Bracket contest with a forfeit for game 5? ‘Cause you might really have a leg up.

Sep 142011

I’m starting to get nice and settled into B.A.D.G. (I’m still in my probation period, but I’m getting comfortable). The house has come together nicely. The Mr. is on his second week of school. Now it’s time for my annual job search! I have to find a new job every year because most employers are not down for my 6 week jaunt to Alaska followed by extensive relaxation and vacation time. So I always have to quit. Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s totally worth it.

So here I am running the gauntlet. Are you unemployed and searching for a job? You can probably relate to the ludicrous questions asked by the online automated “pre-employment screening” that just about every company is using these days. I’m here to gripe about it. Sure, we all know the economy sucks and employment opportunities are few and far between and you are either under-qualified or over-qualified for damn near everything, but that does not give potential employers the right to degrade and belittle us in our desperate searches.

To be clear, I’ve only been searching for about a week. But I have spent the majority of the last 2 years unemployed and desperately searching for work. So I do know what I’m in for. During some point last fall, I found a job description on craigslist that I felt would be a pretty good match for me. However, the employer had me balling my fists before I even finished reading the post. “Attention ladies: you must understand the difference between classy and trashy” is just plain shitty (offensive) to say in your advert. The boss already sounds like a prick. So I went ahead and wrote him an email saying so (no wonder I can’t get hired?). Here are some of the questions I’ve had lately (all in strongly agree/agree/disagree/strongly disagree format):

I have not had my feelings hurt in the last three years.

When my friends have  a problem I am the first person they call.

My family disapproves of my lifestyle.

I am often sad.

I enjoy being the center of attention.

I strongly considered dropping out of high school.

It doesn’t matter if I work hard or not because this job doesn’t matter.

People are often hurt by my actions.

By way of this “integrity testing” they get a full psychological evaluation before they’re even done with your application. The purpose of this survey in the employers eyes is to “spot applicants who share attitudes with criminals who have not been caught and convicted”. God forbid that when the survey asks me “You work best at a slow but steady pace” I merely ‘agree’ when the only acceptable answer in is to ‘strongly agree’. Well, yesterday I got a couple real gems. Types of questions I have never even dreamed possible on a job search (and I filled out a 96 page eQip form for homeland security)! Both were multiple choice with different numbers ranging from zero to “I lost track”: ‘Number of times you have been involved in a fist fight with a co-worker on the clock’. What the fuuuuuuuck? Would anyone be honest about a fist fight at work? Anyone? The other: ‘Amount in dollars you have stolen from your employers in the last five years’. If you stole money or “time” or merch or “secrets” from your previous workplace, would you fess up to it later? Is this to weed out the insanely stupid?

(If you are interested in reading a sample “integrity report” I went ahead and posed as a potential employer so I could see how these answers are translated into scores. You can download the report here.)

How about those tedious and asinine questions asking you to “describe a time you delivered excellent customer service” or “describe your greatest accomplishment in a leadership role”? Am I alone here? What do they want me to do? Escort a bunch of blind girl scouts to a kitten petting zoo?

I’ve also noticed that there is almost always a field for planned vacations (am I the vagabond responsible for this?). They ask me what days I plan on taking off in the next 6 months. Well, six months is a damn long time. And my birthday happens to be in it. As we derby people know, sometimes you gotta go out of town to watch the Western Regional throw down (because no matter where you live, you always have to fly there.. grumble). Bouts and training camps spring up all over the place. Besides derby, my personal philosophy is to vacation as much as you work. In fact I already have plane tickets to winter in Mexico and I’m not even working yet. No way in hell will I admit this on a job application.

What is up with the credit check? Employers now require not only background checks and drug screening… but credit checks. That’s none of their fucking business. Maybe if we are talking about a position of power or some other seat that may give you abilities to steal massive amounts of money to pay off your gigantic debts (federal reserve?) or a job that gives you coveted information you could be bribed for by evil terrorists… but you know what? That job isn’t at fucking Starbucks.

Now, I’m a great employee if my conditions are right, and by “right” I mean not exploitative. Which evidently is a lot to ask. For example, if you make me pray at work, I’m going to be an asshole about it (oh believe me, this has happened). If you don’t pay for my mandatory overtime, I’m going to make you real sorry.  If you are reasonable with wage increases and time off requests I will be very good. If you give me a benefits package that covers my husband I will be even better. I am a person damnit. And I do not suck dick for $10 an hour. It’s time for potential employees to lay down some ground rules. Companies get fat and rich asking the world of low lives like me and giving nothing in return.

Today I declare bullshit on the “job market”. Show me some money and an environment of mutual respect.


Sep 072011

It’s Fresh Meat Season!

I’m feeling pretty fresh myself, landing in a new league without any friends, but not as fresh as the actual “freshies”. Last year I was helping to assess new skaters and decide who would be invited to join our league. The year before that: Cat Wiest put skates on for the first time in 20 years and tried out for the Bellingham Roller Betties.

How do you like that meat? He he he he.

The summer of 2009 was ending. The Bellingham Roller Betties were holding their Booty Camp. I borrowed my husband’s bike helmet and rented some skates. I wore jean shorts (that never happened again). Surely I mentioned before that I am socially awkward (much later a skater confessed that many girls interpreted me keeping to myself as conceit – hahaha!). I slowly and stupidly made my way around the track, never once attempting to cross over – I thought if I fell down they would send me home. Coaches would tell me to do things that I literally could not comprehend. That night I had dreams about what would happen after 8 weeks: they would tell me I tried really hard but I couldn’t be a skater. I would proudly thank them for giving me a chance, hold my head high and go back to my mini van, then cry all the way home.

I love me some Pearl Haggard.

At the following weeks Booty Camp, a skater who wanted me to wear her extra set of wrist guards (because I had none) approached me. Enter Pearl Haggard. I thanked her and put the wrist guards on. They were kind of damp and smelled funny. She laughed and told me “That’s how I like ‘em!” as she skated away I caught my first glimpse of one of Pearls favorite derby accessories. A thong pulled up “whale tail” style out of her shorts with Bellingham Roller Betties stitched across the top.

When I gave her wrist guards back I felt like we were then close enough that I could ask a few intimate questions. Like, “How many girls are you taking into the league?” She immediately asked how dedicated I was. That what mattered most was potential fresh meat have the time to put in and lots of “heart”.  This round about answer had me sweating for the full 8 weeks (I mean, let’s be honest, the only thing they were looking for was a checking account). I figured I needed to be in the top 3 or I’d be cut. Every time I fell down I swore there were eyes rolling all over the track.

When the 8 weeks of Booty Camp were up, we had our skills assessment. I broke down and bought kneepads and a mouth guard (because they were required – yes I went 8 weeks without that stuff!). I kept telling myself “You have now invested $50 in gear you cannot return”. I did my 25 laps in 4:22 and kicked myself extensively because another girl did it in 4:18. League members who had not previously been attending Booty Camp came out to help with skills assessment and timing. It was like having a jury. Contra VersE assessed my skills and wrote notes about me (which I never got to see) but kept mum about my actual performance and grades. I went home.

It was over.

A week later I got the magical phone call saying I had been invited to join the league and could start attending practices. Time to graduate from rental skates, I bought an old pair from Ivonna Brakebones (who introduced herself to me by saying “I just want you to know I’m one of the only people who will say hi to you. You need to go talk to people”). I bought elbow pads and all the other required stuff. I quit the bowling league.

I steadily became Cat Scrap Fever.

So here’s to you, fresh meat! We all start someplace. Good luck!



Sep 012011

Mr. Fever is going back to school. He graduated from college the first time… gee, 14 years ago? He’s going to the California Maritime Academy. That degree in philosophy just doesn’t pay when you’re a commercial fisherman. I applaud his desire to make a more secure future for us and his ability to stoke up the self motivation. I’m not very motivated. I’ve attended several colleges around California, usually just for one or two semesters at a time. When a girlfriend asked me “How many times have you gone back to school?”, I told her “I only go back”. It’s just what I do.

Captain Cupcake

He's gonna go far...

In all this back-to-school melee (which included removal of long since established facial hair) Mr. Fever has had to do some seemingly tedious “exercises”, including an online alcohol education course. This course was designed for graduating high school students, and to us, was pure comedy. Now he is working on trying to establish his educational goals through guidelines set out by Brigham Young graduates. The more my husband talks about this goal setting guideline, the more I wonder if I have any goals of my own, and if I do, what the hell are they?

Well, as we are learning in “Introduction to Engineering Technology”* goals should be both specific and measurable. Thanks. Coach Nottie A. Siwant had ingrained the importance of measurable goals back in the dark days of the Cog Blockers (who reigned supreme at goal setting/achieving). What is clearly laid out in these guidelines is that “a goal not written is merely a wish”. Far out. Goals should be tiered into attainable sections, baby steps, leading up to the grand prize. Immediate goals followed by a year or two out, five to ten years all coming to the summation of lifetime goals. We must have tools for measuring written goals and how to face failure should we meet it. Your goals should be realistic, but still aim high. If you don’t push yourself to grow, you will not grow (how zen). The “Goal Integrity Spectrum” shows us that a superficial goal will meet it’s end upon the first failure. When failure is experienced with a “well desired” goal our progress will slow, but may still continue. If the goal was made with strength and sincere intent, then failure will be corrected immediately and progress will endure. So let’s not be discouraged, but learn from our mistakes and plow on!

I have some derby goals. They have never been very specific and I am lax about time lines and accountability (especially accountability!). Part of making an achievable goal is to make them public, to people who will both understand and support you (example: if you want to quit smoking you don’t confide your goals to your tobacconist). Alongside the Mr. who is making his educational and monetary goals for the future, I decided to outline what roller derby goals I have.

Previous goal of earning "MVP" from visiting team achieved. Stoked.

Cat Scrap Fever’s Roller Derby Goals:

I want to pass my probation period (3 months) and be picked up for a home team immediately. This will be accomplished by not only attending the 3 practice minimum per week, but 5 practice units per week. I will encourage my league mates and graciously accept all criticisms/tips that come my way. I’ll do my damnedest not to piss anybody off (this kinda means not talking).

Within the next 8 months I want to be invited to scrimmage and/or practice with the travel team. This will be accomplished by continuing to exceed the 3 practice weekly minimum, getting tips from a personal trainer, and doing derby specific cross training no less than 4 days per week. As specified by B.A.D. handbook standards I will progress from 3.5/4 star skater to a 4/4.5 skater. I will also watch lots and lots of good derby!

Before the winter of 2012 (and the end of days… right?), I want to be rostered on the Bay Area Golden Girls All-Star team. I will accomplish this goal by pushing myself at every practice and scrimmage, meditating on all feedback, spending commute times focusing on how I can improve my skills, becoming more realistic about how healthy my diet is and trading sexual favors to each and every girl already on the roster (just kidding?).

Within the next five years I want to compete on a national level. I will be a 5 star skater by B.A.D. standards. This may be a national tournament, it may be against a team within the top 3 rankings of it’s regional bracket, or it might be a game or tournament that hasn’t come to fruition yet, but I will know it when I get there.  I will achieve this by spending even less time with my husband (sad but true – he knows it). I need to recognize my talents in order to nurture them. I’m easily frustrated which slows my personal growth, I will tell my inner JoyKill to shut the hell up because I am attaining awesomeness, and cooking fewer meals.

After five years… how can I even see that far ahead? I’m getting older. Right now I am the median age (according to WFTDA survey stats) for a skater. But with Jr. Derby popping up and a rise in popularity, I don’t see room for me in the game ten years from now. I don’t see myself becoming another Hot Flash. This seeming negativity should be stiffled but I am counting it as realism. I consider myself humble and realistic (please do call me out if you see otherwise). For derby: five more years is a long time. I have time sensitive realistic goals, and if I can accomplish those, then I will feel fulfilled. I’m a peacock… I’ve got to let myself fly!

These goals are all barring injury or other outside-of-derby life traumas. Should I become injured, I expect myself to kick my physical therapists ass, get back on skates in record time and carry on as usual.

What do you want to do with derby? Is this just a hobby? A women’s liberation experiment? Sexual exploration? A long felt dream? Something to do in your spare time because the dodgeball league is full of creeps (seriously)? A goal not written is only a wish. And if wishes were horses all beggars would ride. So go ahead and tell yourself what you want (then tell someone else who will both encourage and keep you accountable).

This is Cat Scrap Fever telling you to tell yourself: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn-it ,  people like me.”


* “Introduction to Engineering Technology” by Val D. Hawks and A. Brent Strong published by Prentice Hall – Required reading for Marine Engineering Technology cadets