I feel that this post is long overdue! Ladies, feel free to print out these instructions and pass them out to your boyfriends, husbands, fiances. I will probably post several installments!
Dating a rollergirl is not for the faint of heart, gentlemen. There are intolerable things that you will be forced to put up with: your girl smells. She smells BAAAAD. She has lots of friends, LOTS of them; and they all smell bad too. Her hobby is expensive—we can spend more money on SHIT than you would ever believe (It’s true!). Roller derby is evolving faster than DELL. She’s always covered in unsightly bruises, and you will probably catch some scathing glances from restaurant patrons when they catch a glimpse of her battered biceps.
But there are plenty of perks that go along with dating a rollergirl too: chances are your old lady has the sweetest ass on the block. Chances are your old lady has the meanest BLOCK on the block, too. You get the bragging rights of dating the Tri-State Leg Wrestling Champion. She’s the closest thing you’ll ever meet to Wonder Woman, and your old lady has her own old lady. How cool is that!
So, here are a few tips to keep your Warrior Woman happy:
1—Don’t EVER say, “Dude, I totally saw you bust your ass out there” or any variation of that phrase. I just knocked down eight people BEFORE I busted my ass, so how ‘bout you point that out.
2—Please don’t bitch about the smell! I know I stink. I can smell myself. People recoil and visibly wretch when I walk into the gas station after practice. I really don’t need you to point out that I stink after every bout, practice, dryland, etc.
4—Compliment me on my ass, a lot! Flattery will get you everywhere! I worked hard on that thing. It’s nice to know you appreciate it.
5—If you’re going to get mad when I don’t pay attention to you at practice, don’t come. I don’t hang out at the gym while you and your boys pump iron, then get pissed off ‘cause you’re too busy giving yourself a hernia doing leg presses to pay attention to me. You don’t go to the gym to hang out with me! I don’t go to practice to hang out with you!
6—I’m on a high protein diet! Stay the fuck out of my beef jerky!
7—If we win, tell me how awesome I was.
8—If we lose, TELL ME HOW AWESOME I WAS!!! Now is not the time to bring up the fact that I accidentally took out my own jammer during the last jam when we were down by six points.
These are just a few simple suggestions that really will make your lives easier, guys. And remember, the way to a rollergirl’s heart is ATOM!
Photo Credits: dailymail.co.uk, bonesbearings.com